Think that it is abuse
To let me feel free
They want our existence to be reported
Our support systems ripped out from under us
They want us gone
Because we make them question every lie they ever told themselves about how they were allowed to exist through the world
We make them confront the terrifying expanse that the universe becomes when you realize it is your right to define yourself boundlessly,
to be fully human,
fully unique and yet the same,
and yet never not fully a work in progress
There are people
Who Think that it is abuse
To help me feel free
But who refuse to see the enormously obvious, heart shatteringly painful reality that is
That their words rip open barely healed wounds
There will be unthinkable, unforgivable pain because of this
There will be lives broken and lost.
I want to hold a message of hope.
Of ‘we will prevail’.
But it’s hard to stay positive and be a trans person in a world where your right to exist continues to be questioned in new old ways.
I’m in pain.
But we will care for eachother
And we will care for ourselves
And we will be free
I push myself constantly for growth.
But what if I just maintain for a while?
Enjoy the view from here?
I say I want to feel seen
But as soon as someone looks at me
• I turn away
• I avoid eye contact
• I pretend I didn’t see
Because I can’t imagine that someone would actually be looking,
And looking to pay attention.
And so, to me,
• they weren’t
• they didn’t
• they couldn’t have been
My face burns from embarrassment at the thought of being seen
or is it the embarrassment that I am enjoying it, that I crave it, that I need it?
the heat of the floodlights of someone else’s eyes ignites my cheeks
Because that’s horrendously, unreasonably, selfish to want to have my existence confirmed by a secondary party.
I need to see them seeing me,
With my own eyes,
Just to be sure.
But if they see me seeing them seeing me,
Then it all cancels out again.