i feel quite small today

Today, the Alabama House of Representatives voted to make it illegal for doctors to proscribe gender-affirming medical care for transgender youth (18 and under).

I am grateful for what a few representatives said in the battle that ended in a vote of 66-28 in favor of this bill.

Rep. England: “You’re saying this is about children. It’s not. What it is about is scoring political points and using those children as collateral damage”

Rep. Rafferty: “Its totally undermining family rights, health rights and access to health care.”

I was pretty numb while I read this headline at first. A protective numbness.

I was numb until I reached this quote in the article from Rep. Wes Allen: “Their brains are not developed to make the decisions long term about what these medications and surgeries do to their body,”

When I read that, I was angry. I was frustrated by the utter stupidity of it all. I wanted to storm down to that house and explain to this man that going through puberty ~naturally~ or whatever Is A Choice, and a choice with lasting, lifelong repercussions. I want to ask why he thinks the state should be able to make this choice for children: A choice that he states will have lasting effects on their bodies.

I have been fighting my body for years, and if I had been given the option at the beginning to not have to go through that, hell yes I would have picked that.

I’m not a better person for having had two puberties. I’m just sadder.

All I want is to be able to protect those kids in Alabama. I want to protect my trans students from the ricocheting pain I am feeling after this bill. And after all the rest.

I feel quite small today.

https://www.npr.org/2022/04/07/1091510026/alabama-gender-affirming-care-trans-transgender

motivation when I’m tired

(Alternatively titled: A teaching philospohy)

In trying to understand who I am as a teacher
I found a misconception I had been holding on to:
I thought the pull to teaching was math.

(And I do love math
I am grateful to have it as a partner in this endeavor
I love its definitiveness and ambiguity

Give me good pattern any day of the week and I’ll be happy
Or an algorithm
a visualization
a comparison
a mapping
a graph 
a prediction 
a puzzle

Math is a language where you can express 
both more 
and less 
than you can with words.

Math carries a precision that syllables and sentences never can
Yet fails to articulate the finest points of humanness)

But to say I am tied to teaching because I love math 
is a knot that will unravel under tension. 
I would not have ended up here if I had not accompanied a bouquet of trans folks
On legs of their expeditions:
Through crushing expectations
Through meeting themselves 
Through glimmers of expansive freedom
Through letting the world in to meet them.

I teach in order to hold a place for these gender explorers and defiers
For these norm breakers 
For these students looking for someone to see them, to know them.

	
I stumbled into teaching with my crochet hook and calculator 
with enormous and hazy and overwhelming dreams
To chip away at these walls against which my back is pressed
To exist where they said we couldn’t
To make space
for us.

final project for my first grad school class in teaching in 2019

long and short term goals and dreams

But who’s to say which is which

• Create a math elective
• Decorate/organize classrooms and office
• write a play
• create knit/crochet clothing
• create a gender retreat or pen pal network or mentoring network or something related to giving the trans youths a place to explore gender
• write pretty math puzzles
• make cool escape room puzzles
• crochet cool things
• knit cool things/learn to knit
  • One of the knitting projects designed by Tom Daley (https://bytomdaley.com/)
• Research the crossover of fiber art and math
• journal/post updates more consistantly
• write poetry
• Create art with trash
• Learn more about 3d printing
• Write a letter to students thanking them for being my first group I’ve thought for a full year
• Do a workshop on gender/trans competency for faculty
• Learn to roller skate more
• Find a way to get back into dance

small poems (1)

I push myself constantly for growth.
But what if I just maintain for a while?
Enjoy the view from here?

assorted thoughts from my notes app (pt. 3)

1. Statistics for how many calls I get per day to sub for various schools, despite working full time (I stopped keeping track after 3 days)
2. “I am better adapted to a world with technology” (most of the time)
3. “When teaching I give away the answer too fast”
4. A selfie from when I was feeling cute
5. Outline for my murder mystery review activity
6. Things to do with my mom during break
7. “I need more structure for self care”
8. “My body is a plane of a non Euclidean geometry”
9. “I love looking for patterns in data”
10. “Proofs are about seeing connections”
11. A list of ideas of things I would love to create from writing a book to
12. How do you be introspective without being overly self critical (edited from original longer jumbled thought)
13. “Adapting to a genre vs conforming to it”
14. “Bad healthcare’s effect on my relationship with my body: Its too expensive to check in, So I tune it out. I tune out the creeks and throbs, the stiffness and pressure”