Think that it is abuse
To let me feel free
They want our existence to be reported
Our support systems ripped out from under us
They want us gone
Because we make them question every lie they ever told themselves about how they were allowed to exist through the world
We make them confront the terrifying expanse that the universe becomes when you realize it is your right to define yourself boundlessly,
to be fully human,
fully unique and yet the same,
and yet never not fully a work in progress
There are people
Who Think that it is abuse
To help me feel free
But who refuse to see the enormously obvious, heart shatteringly painful reality that is
That their words rip open barely healed wounds
There will be unthinkable, unforgivable pain because of this
There will be lives broken and lost.
I want to hold a message of hope.
Of ‘we will prevail’.
But it’s hard to stay positive and be a trans person in a world where your right to exist continues to be questioned in new old ways.
I’m in pain.
But we will care for eachother
And we will care for ourselves
And we will be free
I began to bind my chest when I was 8 years old.
I remember feeling ashamed.
I remember feeling confused.
I remember feeling helpless.
But as it became apparent that my body could not be controlled
I tried even harder to minimize the evidence.
Tight tank tops turned into layers of camisoles
which turned into layers of compression sports bras
each one a size smaller than the last.
Binding made my back ache and ribs bruise.
I couldn’t seem to take a full deep breath.
But without it
the pain was much deeper
much more all consuming.
It wasn’t until the age of 20
that I was able to breathe fully for the first time.
A deep breath filling my chest, allowing it to expand entirely.
And that takes its toll on a person.
12 years of taking shallow breaths
of holding back.
of monitoring every millimeter.
These full lungs make me lightheaded.
There’s too much oxygen,
Too much possibility.