writing is vulnerable

I am afraid of writing because I am afraid of anyone ever reading it and thinking its cliché, over emotional and dramatic. But I am also afraid of no one ever reading my writing and just feeling too small and too insignificant. My hope is that my writing will help me feel understood. I want someone to read what I wrote to have my overworked metaphors and broken sentences made sense to them.

But writing is too personal to show anyone because what if they do understand?

Then I am broken open, exposed for how little I really am. I am so desperate for someone to see me but terrified that they will. Because what then? They understand me? They offer support? We develop a deep bond of reciprocal trust? We laugh and cry together and have lots of movie montage moments?

Or nothing. Things are ruined somehow. Things became to too raw and too real and we can’t talk about it. Or worse. We connect and then shatter apart. But its not a clean break. We both take some of each other with us and I have to do this whole thing over again but with scars and bruises and missing pieces to be rebuilt.

How many times have I done that before?

How many times do I have to do that again?

Note: Written in summer 2020

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